This is Hard

Sometimes, it's just all difficult. For no reason, or for very clear reasons, life gets hard, heavy, exhausting. That's been the last month for me. I don't know if I've been in a depression, or just a funk, but I haven't been able to make heads or tails of anything, let alone be focused on what's important.

Noel, of course, feels the brunt of these times more than anyone else in my life. Yesterday, after we had bickered for the second time, I sobbed into his shoulder, "This is hard, this is hard. It's too hard."

Today, in the light of a new morning, I am encouraged that when I am weak, He is strong. And also that nothing can separate me from His love, not even myself. I am not too far gone, or too lost, or too hopeless, for His love to RUSH to me.

5 AM

I was snippy towards my husband this morning, and by this morning, I mean a 5 AM pre-work dog walk. Way too early for anyone to be snippin’ anyone else. The problem came from me jumping to conclusions about what was going on in his head based on his actions. I thought I saw selfishness. What I didn’t see but should have was a man just getting off a 48 hr shift, up again at 5 AM the next day to go back for another 24. Whoops.

My old self, with alllllll of its selfish tendencies, wanted to hold on to his actions rather than his heart. At 5 AM, when I felt wronged, it seemed perfectly okay for me to coddle my annoyance and hurt feelings. My new self, learning to listen and act with the Spirit, knew I needed to apologize ASAP and work to make amends for this early morning harm. It didn’t come easy or look pretty at first, I assure you. I played the “I’ll apologize but you need to also” card, also known as the straight up pride card. It wasn’t what my heart or his needed in that dark, muggy morning moment.

When you’re the one who feels wronged, only to realize you’re actually the one wronging, it’s doubly sour. But I do find there’s double gain from these moments. Despite the rocky start, I got to show my husband humility, gentleness and my need for his forgiveness. My poor decisions created an opportunity to bring us close. Secondly, I got to interact with the Spirit in a very real way through Him convicting me in that moment. It was a chance to respond to the conviction of sin in my life, a chance to further die to my sinful self, and I will always be thankful for those moments.

It doesn’t matter how early or late we start our days. Sin is a part of us, always ready to separate us from freedom with the Lord. My encouragement to you when sin starts to entangle is to stop immediately – you know when you feel convicted – and listen for the Spirit’s prompts. There is only gain from acting on these promptings, so act quickly and get on with living in victory with the Lord. 

Sustained in the Silence

Cultivating a quiet spirit and mind hasn’t always been at the top of my to-do list like it is now. Silence is really hard for me. I like swift answers and concrete direction. I am a reformed (ok, reforming) control freak, so you probably already know exactly what God’s up to in my life.  

Over the last year, God has graciously and patiently been showing me the rewards of keeping my eyes fixed on Him when action, emotion, and turmoil surround me. But I suspect now He’s taking me deeper. Because now things are harder. Because the new hard things really make me uncomfortable. 

Now I’m treading into the deeper waters of keeping my eyes fixed and my ear tuned when I can’t see or hear Him at all. Rather than trying to “do” and “be,” He’s got me standing, kneeling, sitting and sleeping in the same place every day – in uncertainty of what He’s doing. Trusting HIM, not what He’s doing. Seeking HIM, not His plans.

It’s soooooo much harder for me than trusting Him in chaos. Trusting him in silence is torture.

What I find myself consistently thinking about is how desperately I still need to see/feel the effects of His presence. I have a faith in Him based on swift answers and concrete direction, don’t I? Almost like I’ve made God human again.

What I’m seeking is a faith based on trust in Him as a heavenly Father, the Creator, the Author, and my Provider. Based on evidences of Him, of course, but also based on what I know His character to be through His Scriptures and my own dealings with His Spirit. 

So, I pray to be sustained through the silence. For Him to uphold me, to lead me and to guide me. For me to be ready for Him, eyes fixed and ear tuned, when He passes by me again. I pray for answers and direction, but with a heart ready to be obedient and joyful, for whatever He has in store for me next. 

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning.” Ps. 130:5-6

The Wall

If you’ve ever run a marathon, looked into running a marathon, or know someone who’s run a marathon, you’ve heard about “the wall.” To hit the wall, or bonk, means you’ve run out of your energy reserves, and you kind of give up (or at least want to give up) on this beast you’ve spent at least a quarter of the year training for. You lose focus, you lose your mind. The last 6-8 miles, which is when it usually happens, start to seem like an insurmountable distance.

I’ve hit the wall, spiritually speaking.

I’ve prayed, trained, meditated, cried, laughed, searched, stilled… and now it’s the week of reckoning, and I’m bonking. I am so paralyzed by a possible answer of “no” or “not now” that I’ve frozen. I can’t lift my face to look at the Lord for fear of how disappointed I will be if this doesn’t work out. How confused I’ll be by the whole long and winding process. How angry I’ll feel at – what appears to me as – being led on.

I’m hitting snooze more. I haven’t worked out. I haven’t said no to the foods I shouldn’t be eating. I’ve slammed up against the wall and following the Lord with a joyful, faithful heart seems impossible right now.

Just being honest.

The thing about the wall is that it’s not real; you just have to keep going. That’s my goal right now. I’m praying for forgiveness, both for my sinful coping mechanisms and for how much importance I’ve placed on this life decision. I’m praying for help to just keep going this week, come what may. I know He’s here with me, I know He is glorified when we run the race marked out for us with endurance. He is my coach and my prize, and I’m learning to keep going even when it’s scary or hard, even when the wall stares me in the face, rather than the promise of something imminently good.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.” Ps. 43:5

Lightning Bolt

Is the Lord mean?

I’ve wrestled with this lately, and I’m waiting for my lightning bolt any minute. How could he leave me waiting for something so desperately? If he won’t “grant me my wish,” won’t he at least make something good happen for me in the meantime, just to let me know He loves me? This, of course, leads me to be ashamed of how human I have made the Lord. He does not do things my way…for a reason. Yes, I want action and relief, now please. I want a dramatic entrance to save the day. His ways are higher and better. They aren’t different just to be unique, or mean to toughen me up. He is taking action; He is saving me.

God, help me believe that even right now you are making a way for me through the desert. Even right now, I am blind, but you are mixing the mud to help me see. Help me have faith in your goodness because there is only your goodness. Help me have faith in your perfect plan because there is a plan, and it is perfect. 

Return to Rest

Have you ever been comforted by the Word of God? 

Today I did not wake up early to get my quiet time in, and I always feel the effects of such a mistake. I am anxious, restless, unguided. The fatigue I experience from obediently waking up early to spend time with the Lord is nothing compared to the exhaustion of managing my warring emotions all day when I don't start with Him. During lunch I journaled and read some verses.

Ps. 116:7 – “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

This instruction, this mandate, to my soul was heard on a spirit level. The Lord has been good to me, and He will always be good to me. He is so good, I will never full understand on this side of Glory.

When I feel anxious and unfocused, I know I need the Holy Scriptures to clear the fog. This verse did not make the little foxes go away, but it gave me ammunition to keep them outside the fence. The harder disciplines of patience, clinging to the truth, trusting in God’s faithfulness, and meditation must do the challenging work now.

It starts with a comforting reminder. The Lord is good, always has been, always will be. Be patient to see what good thing He is making happen in your life.  

So Simple

God gave me a revelation this weekend.

He’s #1, Noel is #2.

That’ all. Woooooooooooooo. Sometimes I feel like I am in Christianity Pre-K.

We spent a weekend out of town with my girlfriends and their significant others. I was nervous for various reasons (that’s another topic all together – something I’m praying through), and I was getting tense towards Noel. I could feel myself literally tensing up, not a good sign. Honestly, I was snappy, rude and on the verge of a sin cliff.

I was worrying about people, events, words, timings, fun (yes, worrying about fun)… worrying about anything my mind could cling to. Of course I’ve learned what this means. It means I need to stop everything and refocus on God and my heart. I’ve lost my vision if I’m worried and tense, especially in the face of FUN.

The Spirit spoke quietly to me in the midst of my sinning. He told me, this is really simple. Your only priorities here are God and your husband. Everything else is a distant runner up. If you are so concerned about all these weekend factors that you’re being impatient and unkind to your husband, then you’ve missed the mark and who cares what this weekend turns out like.

Wow. Game. Changer.

After that, I enjoyed the weekend with Noel more than anything we’ve done in a long time. It was easy to be respectful and loving towards him because I knew he (and He) was the only thing that truly mattered. I knew I was being obedient to the Lord through honoring Noel, and it was a pleasure to honor Noel because I knew it’s what the Spirit was telling me to do.

So simple it’s silly, but I’m thankful He’s working on the foundation of our relationship in these ways. 

The Question

Oh, I’ve prayed so many prayers relating to a certain topic this year. Mostly begging prayers. Prayers about Him granting me, Him letting this or that happen, Him making and doing and giving and taking away.

It dawned on me during a Monday morning quiet moment today: I haven’t asked Him what He wants. The most important question, and I’ve skipped over it for months, frantically trying to figure things out from the bottom-up (me being the bottom, him being the up).

I grabbed my journal, flipped to the next blank section, and scrawled, Where do YOU want me to be? And the voices, the questions, the scenarios – they all quieted. Because this is the only question that really matters. Because finally after months and months of searching, he brought me the answer. And like all the best answers He’s ever given me, the answer is more of Him. New ways of Him. New faith, new waiting. Just… Him.

The thing about a relationship with God is that I can forget it really is two ways. I haven’t experienced a ton of the two-way-edness. I’ve certainly prayed, “Keep me in your will,” “Let me be obedient.” Yadda yadda. All great prayers. But, He graciously showed me something new this morning: Asking his opinion. Not rushing around, seeking what He might want, wondering if I’ve prayed all the right ways, but just seeking Him. Having faith that what He wants is what’s best for me – it is simple and complicated, beautiful and mysterious – just like the Creator and Author.

Where do YOU want me to be?

The Forever Relationship

There is a season for everything. There are cycles, waxes, wanes, ups, downs. This is life, isn’t it? My mom – always to my annoyance – likes to say, “The only thing that stays the same is that everything changes.” That goes for my heart and soul as well. I’ve struggled lately, felt like I’m in a mental and spiritual fog. God, I hear you calling to me, but I can’t find the lighthouse beam directing me to your port. I know what you’re calling to me to do, but I can’t focus enough to know how.

For example, He encourages us to take His yoke, for his burden is easy and light. Ok! Got it. Mission accepted. Now… how to start. Distraction, discouragement, more distraction.. Reading the Word, understanding the Word, but not feeling saturated by the Word. ...and soon what was just a seed of anxiety suddenly has hairy, gnarled roots.

It’s in this time that my quiet times aren’t as apparently impacting. I don’t leave my morning spot feeling like I’m walking on holy ground. I meet with the Lord, meaning I pray, I read, I write. But, there are no tears (I LOVE tears), there are ah-ha moments about my confusing, aching issues (I LOVE ah-has!). I leave feeling like, “Okay, Lord, I love you. I’ll talk to you once I get to work.”

This is a season of foggy pursuit and perseverance.

I don’t want this period to last, but I’m also comforted knowing that He never leaves, He never forsakes. He’s not on vacation, He’s not annoyed at my persistent knocking and needing. He’s letting me work out my salvation with fear and trembling – lots of fear, plenty of trembling.

Perhaps this is more authentic relationship stuff. Noel and I certainly don’t walk around in a state of awe and reverence towards each other all the time. We run out of things to say. We don’t lay it all out there, we forget how to be vulnerable. We do not stop interacting and trying to connect though.

That’s the beautiful thing about this foggy time. I don’t feel discouraged, like I am pursuing a God that doesn’t have the time for me. I know He loves me, and I know He’s with me. He’s teaching me perseverance, hope, patience. If this is the way I need to learn, then let me stay out in the ocean, searching for the lighthouse, until I’m ready to come to port. Let the job be done well and thoroughly, so that when I do feel His arms again, we will embrace in new and deeper ways. This is a forever relationship.  

Memory Verse

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, be patient in affliction, be constant in prayer.

This verse has been part of my SheReadsTruth study on prayer. I have scribbled it, mumbled it, thought it and just looked at it over and over. I’d say right now I’m living in clauses 2 and 3, but an increasing amount of clause 1 has been creeping in. (YAY! And, FINALLY!)

Anxiety

I go through bouts of anxiety. Not sure if they are legit panic attacks, or if they are just my version of being overwhelmed, but they are scary in my spirit.

Quickening of the heart, unstoppable thoughts, restlessness.

My defense mechanism used to be pouring into myself. I just need to go for a walk. I just need to take some breaths. I just need an afternoon off.

Now, I’m learning, the symptoms need to be taken immediately to the Healer. Anxiety about work is not really about work. I don’t always know for sure what it’s about, but I have no doubt it’s deeper/wider than just my 8-5. I cannot heal myself, especially when it comes to heart issues. Walks, breaths and vacation do not heal heart issues. Jesus does.

And it’s hard to press in rather than avoid! It’s easier to focus on myself, have positive self-talk, let the tendencies subside. But the issue – the real heart wrinkle - isn’t ironed out unless I let go (yes, I hear you – let go, and let’s finish it – let God). It’s no longer good enough for me to let the anxious moments pass. Letting them pass is like giving them a pass to return again, whenever they want. I am at Step 1 of having a real faith in the Lord, but I’m learning there is no sin that automatically gets a pass in my life. All of it can be released when I choose the harder work of pressing in to let go. 

Floundering

I'm floundering. There's a current aspect of my life I'm dissatisfied with, and I've sought other avenues, but the Lord seems to be holding me tight to the option at hand. I don't understand why... well that's a lie. I do understand why. It's because my heart about this situation is in such a sinful state. I want removal, escape, to close this chapter. He wants submission, repentance and faith. Easy to write, seemingly impossible for me to execute with grace. 

Giving it Away

Have you struggled with this concept of giving things to God? I have. I still do, but, he’s cracked the door just a little so I can understand better. I hold on to the things of this world very tightly, much more than I ever realized, until I got married. Fear, worry, anxiety – these made me feel alive. Like I mattered. Like my life was important. I’ve learned very quickly though that there isn’t room in my marriage for me, Noel and all my baggage. Part – a big part – of my baggage was a disguised love of self. Or, a deep insecure feeling that I don’t really matter. Because if I’m not constantly pissed off about something, or worried about something that did or didn’t happen, what is the weight of my life?

With marriage, I am learning the weight of my life, and it is all wrapped up in Jesus. The amazing thing about Jesus is that he looks at my life, the sinful baggage, and says, “You matter without all that. You matter just as you are, just as I made you, because I made you matter.” So, slowly, I am learning to give the baggage away, because I don’t “need” it anymore. I don’t need to worry about plans because even with nothing on my calendar, I matter to the Lord. I don’t fear boredom, I don’t fear awkwardness, because these have been given to the Lord so that I’m freed to be more like Him or to be used by Him. Or, more pertinently, I do not have to try to control Noel because my plans, my anxieties, my disappointments can be given to the Lord, and he will return to me His peace. What a great exchange – a holy exchange, an undeserved exchange!

If you've struggled, or if you do struggle, I urge you to pray that God would show you how to see beyond your baggage, to the other side where he is offering you a safe place to stay. He'll even help you learn to lay it down and walk away, so He can take the burden from you. Pray for His love to guide you, and if there's one thing I'm learning, it's that His love, His good gifts, he loves to give them away.

You Ready?

I sometimes laugh at how frequently Noel and I ask each other the question, “You ready?”

It’s like, we make plans to leave in 15 mins. 15 mins are up. “You ready?”

Put the harnesses on the boys to walk them. “You ready?”

Church time. “You ready?”

Noel puts on some unflattering clothes, and I give a telling “…You Ready...?”

I put on unflattering clothes, and… Noel stays verrrrry quiet.

Part of me thinks this constant questioning of each other’s readiness is a problem. Does it matter if we’re ready? 

Noel’s heart will not be filled by how prepared we are for nothing going wrong; his heart will be filled by my willingness to trust him when things go awry.

My heart will not be filled by managing all expectations; my heart will be filled by relying on the Creator to create my life on His terms, not my own.

What I’m learning is being ready is not what makes a good marriage, or a good day, or a good memory. What matters is my openness to what the day may bring, ready or not. 

Shaking my Fist

As my husband and I finish up our first year of marriage, it's easy to look back and be discouraged. There were lots of fights, big and little. Bad attitudes, venomous tones, sleepless nights (meaning, for the most part, that I had bad attitudes, tones and nights).

The beautiful part of this ugly year is that God showed me what His faithfulness looks like in so many real, important, in-my-face ways. I stood in front of God too many times, shaking my fist at him, screaming, "What have you done? Why have you allowed this to happen?" Disrespectful, hateful. Wanting to shove back this gift and return it.

I'm telling you, this has not been my year. Sin won a lot.

But as I stomped my feet and pulled out my hair, God moved. He held me, He spoke tenderly to me, He revealed His good and perfect plans. I changed, Noel changed, God did not change. I cried, Noel cried, God wiped away our tears.

Marriage is not easy, but I wasn't ready for how earth-shattering it would be. I did not keep my eyes on the Lord in the storm of Year One. But He kept his eyes on me. He held me as I sank, letting rough waters tear away layers and layers of years of sin. As imagined, my thrashing did not make His (or Noel's) job easy, but He (and he) didn't let go. Faithfulness.

The storm is passing. I don't like to attribute this difficult season to the calendar alone - the first 365 days of marriage is not as tumultuous for everyone. But our dawn is breaking, and the sun is coming up, just like it always does. There will be more years of storms in this marriage, I know, but they won't last. He is my anchor, He is my lighthouse, He has proven himself faithful, and I have never been more thankful for the gift (my Noel) that He's given me.

Ps. 108:4 - Great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

The Weekend!

Weekends are so full of promise for me.

I imagine myself staying up late Friday, having lazy drinks and laughs with my husband. I slowly open my eyes on Saturday around 9 am, lay in bed for another 30 minutes, gather the boys for an unhurried w-a-l-k in the cozy warm sunlight. My husband and I explore the city. It's always the golden hour, in my mind.

Realities are sometimes different. I crash early on Friday because full time job. I wake up too early on Saturday, while Noel sleeps in too late. We don't have any plans because we don't know of anything to do, so we sit around. We do our own things, or we do the same things we always do together. The weekend flies, and then it's Monday again.

I'm determined to have a different weekend this weekend. Part of that means fewer expectations. Part of it means intentional plans.

Only thing I know for sure is my husband will be home around 7:30 this evening. I'll be halfway through a much-deserved bottle of Prosecco. Tomorrow, we'll drive to Buda for the wiener dog races. Aside from these things, if we sleep, we sleep. If we laze, we laze. The weekend is a state of mind, not an itinerary, so here's to an epic mind metamorphosis in t-minus 5.5 hours.

Favorite links this week:

How awesome does this homemade caramel sauce look? (Via Cup of Jo)

A good reminder about generosity (Via Seth Godin)

A recipe to add in the yummy side dish category (Via Joy the Baker)

A post that reminded me of the Lord's mystery (Via Sweetwater)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Cherish the moments, however they look.

Waking Up Early

Since we've moved to Spring, two major changes have occurred in my daily routines: the commute is longer and the dogs need to be walked (so long backyard!). Just one of these would necessitate me waking up earlier, but both combined means I'm waking up around 4:45am (okay and snoozing until 4:55).

I've always been a morning person, but this is a challenge even for me. I'm also not sleeping well yet at the new place, so my alarm going off currently elicits curse words and tears.

I believe in the power of early mornings, though. I enjoy the quiet, the dark, the comforting feeling of knowing people are resting all around me (even if I am not). So I'm appreciative of this next phase with its new challenges and new rewards. My hub-sand and I are blessed enough to be entering into year 2 of marriage in a new place on the map.The symbolism does not escape me - we've come a long way since day 1 of year 1, in heart and on map.

Thankful Thursdays

1. Convicting and encouraging blog posts from women I hope to emulate someday.

2. A new apartment! A physical change is always extra special when paired with an inward growth spurt. In ways I'm timid to detail, I feel like I've been shedding old layers like it's my job lately. And I'm incredibly grateful the Lord is walking me through this season of sandpapering away my rough edges.

3. Roger and Benny. Ohhh these little boys. They make me laugh.

4. Finally finding the right frame for some prints we bought in London!

5. Good Friday. God's grace. Sacrifice. Goodness, patience, kindness, self-control. He's so good, He loves us so.