The Wall

If you’ve ever run a marathon, looked into running a marathon, or know someone who’s run a marathon, you’ve heard about “the wall.” To hit the wall, or bonk, means you’ve run out of your energy reserves, and you kind of give up (or at least want to give up) on this beast you’ve spent at least a quarter of the year training for. You lose focus, you lose your mind. The last 6-8 miles, which is when it usually happens, start to seem like an insurmountable distance.

I’ve hit the wall, spiritually speaking.

I’ve prayed, trained, meditated, cried, laughed, searched, stilled… and now it’s the week of reckoning, and I’m bonking. I am so paralyzed by a possible answer of “no” or “not now” that I’ve frozen. I can’t lift my face to look at the Lord for fear of how disappointed I will be if this doesn’t work out. How confused I’ll be by the whole long and winding process. How angry I’ll feel at – what appears to me as – being led on.

I’m hitting snooze more. I haven’t worked out. I haven’t said no to the foods I shouldn’t be eating. I’ve slammed up against the wall and following the Lord with a joyful, faithful heart seems impossible right now.

Just being honest.

The thing about the wall is that it’s not real; you just have to keep going. That’s my goal right now. I’m praying for forgiveness, both for my sinful coping mechanisms and for how much importance I’ve placed on this life decision. I’m praying for help to just keep going this week, come what may. I know He’s here with me, I know He is glorified when we run the race marked out for us with endurance. He is my coach and my prize, and I’m learning to keep going even when it’s scary or hard, even when the wall stares me in the face, rather than the promise of something imminently good.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.” Ps. 43:5