Shaking my Fist

As my husband and I finish up our first year of marriage, it's easy to look back and be discouraged. There were lots of fights, big and little. Bad attitudes, venomous tones, sleepless nights (meaning, for the most part, that I had bad attitudes, tones and nights).

The beautiful part of this ugly year is that God showed me what His faithfulness looks like in so many real, important, in-my-face ways. I stood in front of God too many times, shaking my fist at him, screaming, "What have you done? Why have you allowed this to happen?" Disrespectful, hateful. Wanting to shove back this gift and return it.

I'm telling you, this has not been my year. Sin won a lot.

But as I stomped my feet and pulled out my hair, God moved. He held me, He spoke tenderly to me, He revealed His good and perfect plans. I changed, Noel changed, God did not change. I cried, Noel cried, God wiped away our tears.

Marriage is not easy, but I wasn't ready for how earth-shattering it would be. I did not keep my eyes on the Lord in the storm of Year One. But He kept his eyes on me. He held me as I sank, letting rough waters tear away layers and layers of years of sin. As imagined, my thrashing did not make His (or Noel's) job easy, but He (and he) didn't let go. Faithfulness.

The storm is passing. I don't like to attribute this difficult season to the calendar alone - the first 365 days of marriage is not as tumultuous for everyone. But our dawn is breaking, and the sun is coming up, just like it always does. There will be more years of storms in this marriage, I know, but they won't last. He is my anchor, He is my lighthouse, He has proven himself faithful, and I have never been more thankful for the gift (my Noel) that He's given me.

Ps. 108:4 - Great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.