The Forever Relationship

There is a season for everything. There are cycles, waxes, wanes, ups, downs. This is life, isn’t it? My mom – always to my annoyance – likes to say, “The only thing that stays the same is that everything changes.” That goes for my heart and soul as well. I’ve struggled lately, felt like I’m in a mental and spiritual fog. God, I hear you calling to me, but I can’t find the lighthouse beam directing me to your port. I know what you’re calling to me to do, but I can’t focus enough to know how.

For example, He encourages us to take His yoke, for his burden is easy and light. Ok! Got it. Mission accepted. Now… how to start. Distraction, discouragement, more distraction.. Reading the Word, understanding the Word, but not feeling saturated by the Word. ...and soon what was just a seed of anxiety suddenly has hairy, gnarled roots.

It’s in this time that my quiet times aren’t as apparently impacting. I don’t leave my morning spot feeling like I’m walking on holy ground. I meet with the Lord, meaning I pray, I read, I write. But, there are no tears (I LOVE tears), there are ah-ha moments about my confusing, aching issues (I LOVE ah-has!). I leave feeling like, “Okay, Lord, I love you. I’ll talk to you once I get to work.”

This is a season of foggy pursuit and perseverance.

I don’t want this period to last, but I’m also comforted knowing that He never leaves, He never forsakes. He’s not on vacation, He’s not annoyed at my persistent knocking and needing. He’s letting me work out my salvation with fear and trembling – lots of fear, plenty of trembling.

Perhaps this is more authentic relationship stuff. Noel and I certainly don’t walk around in a state of awe and reverence towards each other all the time. We run out of things to say. We don’t lay it all out there, we forget how to be vulnerable. We do not stop interacting and trying to connect though.

That’s the beautiful thing about this foggy time. I don’t feel discouraged, like I am pursuing a God that doesn’t have the time for me. I know He loves me, and I know He’s with me. He’s teaching me perseverance, hope, patience. If this is the way I need to learn, then let me stay out in the ocean, searching for the lighthouse, until I’m ready to come to port. Let the job be done well and thoroughly, so that when I do feel His arms again, we will embrace in new and deeper ways. This is a forever relationship.