This is Hard

Sometimes, it's just all difficult. For no reason, or for very clear reasons, life gets hard, heavy, exhausting. That's been the last month for me. I don't know if I've been in a depression, or just a funk, but I haven't been able to make heads or tails of anything, let alone be focused on what's important.

Noel, of course, feels the brunt of these times more than anyone else in my life. Yesterday, after we had bickered for the second time, I sobbed into his shoulder, "This is hard, this is hard. It's too hard."

Today, in the light of a new morning, I am encouraged that when I am weak, He is strong. And also that nothing can separate me from His love, not even myself. I am not too far gone, or too lost, or too hopeless, for His love to RUSH to me.

5 AM

I was snippy towards my husband this morning, and by this morning, I mean a 5 AM pre-work dog walk. Way too early for anyone to be snippin’ anyone else. The problem came from me jumping to conclusions about what was going on in his head based on his actions. I thought I saw selfishness. What I didn’t see but should have was a man just getting off a 48 hr shift, up again at 5 AM the next day to go back for another 24. Whoops.

My old self, with alllllll of its selfish tendencies, wanted to hold on to his actions rather than his heart. At 5 AM, when I felt wronged, it seemed perfectly okay for me to coddle my annoyance and hurt feelings. My new self, learning to listen and act with the Spirit, knew I needed to apologize ASAP and work to make amends for this early morning harm. It didn’t come easy or look pretty at first, I assure you. I played the “I’ll apologize but you need to also” card, also known as the straight up pride card. It wasn’t what my heart or his needed in that dark, muggy morning moment.

When you’re the one who feels wronged, only to realize you’re actually the one wronging, it’s doubly sour. But I do find there’s double gain from these moments. Despite the rocky start, I got to show my husband humility, gentleness and my need for his forgiveness. My poor decisions created an opportunity to bring us close. Secondly, I got to interact with the Spirit in a very real way through Him convicting me in that moment. It was a chance to respond to the conviction of sin in my life, a chance to further die to my sinful self, and I will always be thankful for those moments.

It doesn’t matter how early or late we start our days. Sin is a part of us, always ready to separate us from freedom with the Lord. My encouragement to you when sin starts to entangle is to stop immediately – you know when you feel convicted – and listen for the Spirit’s prompts. There is only gain from acting on these promptings, so act quickly and get on with living in victory with the Lord. 

Sustained in the Silence

Cultivating a quiet spirit and mind hasn’t always been at the top of my to-do list like it is now. Silence is really hard for me. I like swift answers and concrete direction. I am a reformed (ok, reforming) control freak, so you probably already know exactly what God’s up to in my life.  

Over the last year, God has graciously and patiently been showing me the rewards of keeping my eyes fixed on Him when action, emotion, and turmoil surround me. But I suspect now He’s taking me deeper. Because now things are harder. Because the new hard things really make me uncomfortable. 

Now I’m treading into the deeper waters of keeping my eyes fixed and my ear tuned when I can’t see or hear Him at all. Rather than trying to “do” and “be,” He’s got me standing, kneeling, sitting and sleeping in the same place every day – in uncertainty of what He’s doing. Trusting HIM, not what He’s doing. Seeking HIM, not His plans.

It’s soooooo much harder for me than trusting Him in chaos. Trusting him in silence is torture.

What I find myself consistently thinking about is how desperately I still need to see/feel the effects of His presence. I have a faith in Him based on swift answers and concrete direction, don’t I? Almost like I’ve made God human again.

What I’m seeking is a faith based on trust in Him as a heavenly Father, the Creator, the Author, and my Provider. Based on evidences of Him, of course, but also based on what I know His character to be through His Scriptures and my own dealings with His Spirit. 

So, I pray to be sustained through the silence. For Him to uphold me, to lead me and to guide me. For me to be ready for Him, eyes fixed and ear tuned, when He passes by me again. I pray for answers and direction, but with a heart ready to be obedient and joyful, for whatever He has in store for me next. 

“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning.” Ps. 130:5-6

The Wall

If you’ve ever run a marathon, looked into running a marathon, or know someone who’s run a marathon, you’ve heard about “the wall.” To hit the wall, or bonk, means you’ve run out of your energy reserves, and you kind of give up (or at least want to give up) on this beast you’ve spent at least a quarter of the year training for. You lose focus, you lose your mind. The last 6-8 miles, which is when it usually happens, start to seem like an insurmountable distance.

I’ve hit the wall, spiritually speaking.

I’ve prayed, trained, meditated, cried, laughed, searched, stilled… and now it’s the week of reckoning, and I’m bonking. I am so paralyzed by a possible answer of “no” or “not now” that I’ve frozen. I can’t lift my face to look at the Lord for fear of how disappointed I will be if this doesn’t work out. How confused I’ll be by the whole long and winding process. How angry I’ll feel at – what appears to me as – being led on.

I’m hitting snooze more. I haven’t worked out. I haven’t said no to the foods I shouldn’t be eating. I’ve slammed up against the wall and following the Lord with a joyful, faithful heart seems impossible right now.

Just being honest.

The thing about the wall is that it’s not real; you just have to keep going. That’s my goal right now. I’m praying for forgiveness, both for my sinful coping mechanisms and for how much importance I’ve placed on this life decision. I’m praying for help to just keep going this week, come what may. I know He’s here with me, I know He is glorified when we run the race marked out for us with endurance. He is my coach and my prize, and I’m learning to keep going even when it’s scary or hard, even when the wall stares me in the face, rather than the promise of something imminently good.

“Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God.” Ps. 43:5

Lightning Bolt

Is the Lord mean?

I’ve wrestled with this lately, and I’m waiting for my lightning bolt any minute. How could he leave me waiting for something so desperately? If he won’t “grant me my wish,” won’t he at least make something good happen for me in the meantime, just to let me know He loves me? This, of course, leads me to be ashamed of how human I have made the Lord. He does not do things my way…for a reason. Yes, I want action and relief, now please. I want a dramatic entrance to save the day. His ways are higher and better. They aren’t different just to be unique, or mean to toughen me up. He is taking action; He is saving me.

God, help me believe that even right now you are making a way for me through the desert. Even right now, I am blind, but you are mixing the mud to help me see. Help me have faith in your goodness because there is only your goodness. Help me have faith in your perfect plan because there is a plan, and it is perfect. 

Return to Rest

Have you ever been comforted by the Word of God? 

Today I did not wake up early to get my quiet time in, and I always feel the effects of such a mistake. I am anxious, restless, unguided. The fatigue I experience from obediently waking up early to spend time with the Lord is nothing compared to the exhaustion of managing my warring emotions all day when I don't start with Him. During lunch I journaled and read some verses.

Ps. 116:7 – “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

This instruction, this mandate, to my soul was heard on a spirit level. The Lord has been good to me, and He will always be good to me. He is so good, I will never full understand on this side of Glory.

When I feel anxious and unfocused, I know I need the Holy Scriptures to clear the fog. This verse did not make the little foxes go away, but it gave me ammunition to keep them outside the fence. The harder disciplines of patience, clinging to the truth, trusting in God’s faithfulness, and meditation must do the challenging work now.

It starts with a comforting reminder. The Lord is good, always has been, always will be. Be patient to see what good thing He is making happen in your life.  

So Simple

God gave me a revelation this weekend.

He’s #1, Noel is #2.

That’ all. Woooooooooooooo. Sometimes I feel like I am in Christianity Pre-K.

We spent a weekend out of town with my girlfriends and their significant others. I was nervous for various reasons (that’s another topic all together – something I’m praying through), and I was getting tense towards Noel. I could feel myself literally tensing up, not a good sign. Honestly, I was snappy, rude and on the verge of a sin cliff.

I was worrying about people, events, words, timings, fun (yes, worrying about fun)… worrying about anything my mind could cling to. Of course I’ve learned what this means. It means I need to stop everything and refocus on God and my heart. I’ve lost my vision if I’m worried and tense, especially in the face of FUN.

The Spirit spoke quietly to me in the midst of my sinning. He told me, this is really simple. Your only priorities here are God and your husband. Everything else is a distant runner up. If you are so concerned about all these weekend factors that you’re being impatient and unkind to your husband, then you’ve missed the mark and who cares what this weekend turns out like.

Wow. Game. Changer.

After that, I enjoyed the weekend with Noel more than anything we’ve done in a long time. It was easy to be respectful and loving towards him because I knew he (and He) was the only thing that truly mattered. I knew I was being obedient to the Lord through honoring Noel, and it was a pleasure to honor Noel because I knew it’s what the Spirit was telling me to do.

So simple it’s silly, but I’m thankful He’s working on the foundation of our relationship in these ways.