Shaking my Fist

As my husband and I finish up our first year of marriage, it's easy to look back and be discouraged. There were lots of fights, big and little. Bad attitudes, venomous tones, sleepless nights (meaning, for the most part, that I had bad attitudes, tones and nights).

The beautiful part of this ugly year is that God showed me what His faithfulness looks like in so many real, important, in-my-face ways. I stood in front of God too many times, shaking my fist at him, screaming, "What have you done? Why have you allowed this to happen?" Disrespectful, hateful. Wanting to shove back this gift and return it.

I'm telling you, this has not been my year. Sin won a lot.

But as I stomped my feet and pulled out my hair, God moved. He held me, He spoke tenderly to me, He revealed His good and perfect plans. I changed, Noel changed, God did not change. I cried, Noel cried, God wiped away our tears.

Marriage is not easy, but I wasn't ready for how earth-shattering it would be. I did not keep my eyes on the Lord in the storm of Year One. But He kept his eyes on me. He held me as I sank, letting rough waters tear away layers and layers of years of sin. As imagined, my thrashing did not make His (or Noel's) job easy, but He (and he) didn't let go. Faithfulness.

The storm is passing. I don't like to attribute this difficult season to the calendar alone - the first 365 days of marriage is not as tumultuous for everyone. But our dawn is breaking, and the sun is coming up, just like it always does. There will be more years of storms in this marriage, I know, but they won't last. He is my anchor, He is my lighthouse, He has proven himself faithful, and I have never been more thankful for the gift (my Noel) that He's given me.

Ps. 108:4 - Great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

The Weekend!

Weekends are so full of promise for me.

I imagine myself staying up late Friday, having lazy drinks and laughs with my husband. I slowly open my eyes on Saturday around 9 am, lay in bed for another 30 minutes, gather the boys for an unhurried w-a-l-k in the cozy warm sunlight. My husband and I explore the city. It's always the golden hour, in my mind.

Realities are sometimes different. I crash early on Friday because full time job. I wake up too early on Saturday, while Noel sleeps in too late. We don't have any plans because we don't know of anything to do, so we sit around. We do our own things, or we do the same things we always do together. The weekend flies, and then it's Monday again.

I'm determined to have a different weekend this weekend. Part of that means fewer expectations. Part of it means intentional plans.

Only thing I know for sure is my husband will be home around 7:30 this evening. I'll be halfway through a much-deserved bottle of Prosecco. Tomorrow, we'll drive to Buda for the wiener dog races. Aside from these things, if we sleep, we sleep. If we laze, we laze. The weekend is a state of mind, not an itinerary, so here's to an epic mind metamorphosis in t-minus 5.5 hours.

Favorite links this week:

How awesome does this homemade caramel sauce look? (Via Cup of Jo)

A good reminder about generosity (Via Seth Godin)

A recipe to add in the yummy side dish category (Via Joy the Baker)

A post that reminded me of the Lord's mystery (Via Sweetwater)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Cherish the moments, however they look.

Waking Up Early

Since we've moved to Spring, two major changes have occurred in my daily routines: the commute is longer and the dogs need to be walked (so long backyard!). Just one of these would necessitate me waking up earlier, but both combined means I'm waking up around 4:45am (okay and snoozing until 4:55).

I've always been a morning person, but this is a challenge even for me. I'm also not sleeping well yet at the new place, so my alarm going off currently elicits curse words and tears.

I believe in the power of early mornings, though. I enjoy the quiet, the dark, the comforting feeling of knowing people are resting all around me (even if I am not). So I'm appreciative of this next phase with its new challenges and new rewards. My hub-sand and I are blessed enough to be entering into year 2 of marriage in a new place on the map.The symbolism does not escape me - we've come a long way since day 1 of year 1, in heart and on map.

Thankful Thursdays

1. Convicting and encouraging blog posts from women I hope to emulate someday.

2. A new apartment! A physical change is always extra special when paired with an inward growth spurt. In ways I'm timid to detail, I feel like I've been shedding old layers like it's my job lately. And I'm incredibly grateful the Lord is walking me through this season of sandpapering away my rough edges.

3. Roger and Benny. Ohhh these little boys. They make me laugh.

4. Finally finding the right frame for some prints we bought in London!

5. Good Friday. God's grace. Sacrifice. Goodness, patience, kindness, self-control. He's so good, He loves us so.