Memory Verse

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, be patient in affliction, be constant in prayer.

This verse has been part of my SheReadsTruth study on prayer. I have scribbled it, mumbled it, thought it and just looked at it over and over. I’d say right now I’m living in clauses 2 and 3, but an increasing amount of clause 1 has been creeping in. (YAY! And, FINALLY!)

Anxiety

I go through bouts of anxiety. Not sure if they are legit panic attacks, or if they are just my version of being overwhelmed, but they are scary in my spirit.

Quickening of the heart, unstoppable thoughts, restlessness.

My defense mechanism used to be pouring into myself. I just need to go for a walk. I just need to take some breaths. I just need an afternoon off.

Now, I’m learning, the symptoms need to be taken immediately to the Healer. Anxiety about work is not really about work. I don’t always know for sure what it’s about, but I have no doubt it’s deeper/wider than just my 8-5. I cannot heal myself, especially when it comes to heart issues. Walks, breaths and vacation do not heal heart issues. Jesus does.

And it’s hard to press in rather than avoid! It’s easier to focus on myself, have positive self-talk, let the tendencies subside. But the issue – the real heart wrinkle - isn’t ironed out unless I let go (yes, I hear you – let go, and let’s finish it – let God). It’s no longer good enough for me to let the anxious moments pass. Letting them pass is like giving them a pass to return again, whenever they want. I am at Step 1 of having a real faith in the Lord, but I’m learning there is no sin that automatically gets a pass in my life. All of it can be released when I choose the harder work of pressing in to let go. 

Floundering

I'm floundering. There's a current aspect of my life I'm dissatisfied with, and I've sought other avenues, but the Lord seems to be holding me tight to the option at hand. I don't understand why... well that's a lie. I do understand why. It's because my heart about this situation is in such a sinful state. I want removal, escape, to close this chapter. He wants submission, repentance and faith. Easy to write, seemingly impossible for me to execute with grace. 

Giving it Away

Have you struggled with this concept of giving things to God? I have. I still do, but, he’s cracked the door just a little so I can understand better. I hold on to the things of this world very tightly, much more than I ever realized, until I got married. Fear, worry, anxiety – these made me feel alive. Like I mattered. Like my life was important. I’ve learned very quickly though that there isn’t room in my marriage for me, Noel and all my baggage. Part – a big part – of my baggage was a disguised love of self. Or, a deep insecure feeling that I don’t really matter. Because if I’m not constantly pissed off about something, or worried about something that did or didn’t happen, what is the weight of my life?

With marriage, I am learning the weight of my life, and it is all wrapped up in Jesus. The amazing thing about Jesus is that he looks at my life, the sinful baggage, and says, “You matter without all that. You matter just as you are, just as I made you, because I made you matter.” So, slowly, I am learning to give the baggage away, because I don’t “need” it anymore. I don’t need to worry about plans because even with nothing on my calendar, I matter to the Lord. I don’t fear boredom, I don’t fear awkwardness, because these have been given to the Lord so that I’m freed to be more like Him or to be used by Him. Or, more pertinently, I do not have to try to control Noel because my plans, my anxieties, my disappointments can be given to the Lord, and he will return to me His peace. What a great exchange – a holy exchange, an undeserved exchange!

If you've struggled, or if you do struggle, I urge you to pray that God would show you how to see beyond your baggage, to the other side where he is offering you a safe place to stay. He'll even help you learn to lay it down and walk away, so He can take the burden from you. Pray for His love to guide you, and if there's one thing I'm learning, it's that His love, His good gifts, he loves to give them away.

You Ready?

I sometimes laugh at how frequently Noel and I ask each other the question, “You ready?”

It’s like, we make plans to leave in 15 mins. 15 mins are up. “You ready?”

Put the harnesses on the boys to walk them. “You ready?”

Church time. “You ready?”

Noel puts on some unflattering clothes, and I give a telling “…You Ready...?”

I put on unflattering clothes, and… Noel stays verrrrry quiet.

Part of me thinks this constant questioning of each other’s readiness is a problem. Does it matter if we’re ready? 

Noel’s heart will not be filled by how prepared we are for nothing going wrong; his heart will be filled by my willingness to trust him when things go awry.

My heart will not be filled by managing all expectations; my heart will be filled by relying on the Creator to create my life on His terms, not my own.

What I’m learning is being ready is not what makes a good marriage, or a good day, or a good memory. What matters is my openness to what the day may bring, ready or not. 

Shaking my Fist

As my husband and I finish up our first year of marriage, it's easy to look back and be discouraged. There were lots of fights, big and little. Bad attitudes, venomous tones, sleepless nights (meaning, for the most part, that I had bad attitudes, tones and nights).

The beautiful part of this ugly year is that God showed me what His faithfulness looks like in so many real, important, in-my-face ways. I stood in front of God too many times, shaking my fist at him, screaming, "What have you done? Why have you allowed this to happen?" Disrespectful, hateful. Wanting to shove back this gift and return it.

I'm telling you, this has not been my year. Sin won a lot.

But as I stomped my feet and pulled out my hair, God moved. He held me, He spoke tenderly to me, He revealed His good and perfect plans. I changed, Noel changed, God did not change. I cried, Noel cried, God wiped away our tears.

Marriage is not easy, but I wasn't ready for how earth-shattering it would be. I did not keep my eyes on the Lord in the storm of Year One. But He kept his eyes on me. He held me as I sank, letting rough waters tear away layers and layers of years of sin. As imagined, my thrashing did not make His (or Noel's) job easy, but He (and he) didn't let go. Faithfulness.

The storm is passing. I don't like to attribute this difficult season to the calendar alone - the first 365 days of marriage is not as tumultuous for everyone. But our dawn is breaking, and the sun is coming up, just like it always does. There will be more years of storms in this marriage, I know, but they won't last. He is my anchor, He is my lighthouse, He has proven himself faithful, and I have never been more thankful for the gift (my Noel) that He's given me.

Ps. 108:4 - Great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

The Weekend!

Weekends are so full of promise for me.

I imagine myself staying up late Friday, having lazy drinks and laughs with my husband. I slowly open my eyes on Saturday around 9 am, lay in bed for another 30 minutes, gather the boys for an unhurried w-a-l-k in the cozy warm sunlight. My husband and I explore the city. It's always the golden hour, in my mind.

Realities are sometimes different. I crash early on Friday because full time job. I wake up too early on Saturday, while Noel sleeps in too late. We don't have any plans because we don't know of anything to do, so we sit around. We do our own things, or we do the same things we always do together. The weekend flies, and then it's Monday again.

I'm determined to have a different weekend this weekend. Part of that means fewer expectations. Part of it means intentional plans.

Only thing I know for sure is my husband will be home around 7:30 this evening. I'll be halfway through a much-deserved bottle of Prosecco. Tomorrow, we'll drive to Buda for the wiener dog races. Aside from these things, if we sleep, we sleep. If we laze, we laze. The weekend is a state of mind, not an itinerary, so here's to an epic mind metamorphosis in t-minus 5.5 hours.

Favorite links this week:

How awesome does this homemade caramel sauce look? (Via Cup of Jo)

A good reminder about generosity (Via Seth Godin)

A recipe to add in the yummy side dish category (Via Joy the Baker)

A post that reminded me of the Lord's mystery (Via Sweetwater)

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Cherish the moments, however they look.